Why Your Tinder Connection Isn’t Moving Beyond the App: Many Daters ‘Don’t Have a Strategy,’ Says Dating Coach

The dating app experience is often void of one crucial thing: a date.

While 62% of daters are ready to go on a date after three days, according to a recent Hinge survey, only 34% of daters actually plan a date within that period of time.

If you’ve ever used Tinder, Bumble, Grindr or any other dating app, this probably doesn’t surprise you. A common sequence of events is: you match, you message, they message, you message, they message, and on and on until one person just stops. 

For some reason, taking the date offline and in person just doesn’t happen and every message dilutes any initial excitement you had about the match. 

So, why are some people okay with messaging forever?

“Many people are not dating with a lot of thought or intention,” says Lisa Marie Bobby, psychologist and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver.

“They don’t have a strategy. They sign up for an app and their default is to not think about it that much and text people.” 

Keeping things digital is ‘less effort and anxiety’

One reason a match isn’t asking you to meet in person might be anxiety, Bobby says. 

“It’s easier and safer with much less effort and anxiety to mess around with text and tell yourself you’re dating when you’re not really,” she says. 

This way, a person can feel like they are putting themselves out there without taking any of the risks — like being rejected or disappointed — that usually accompany going on dates.

Many people also have unrealistic expectations of how finding a partner is supposed to feel, she says. 

“There is a lot of magical thinking when it comes to dating, in general,” she says. “People have these beliefs that if they were to connect with the right person everything would feel easy and effortless and everything would just happen.”

This is “incongruent,” Bobby says, with how making a new connection of any kind actually works. Whether it’s making a new friend or trying to find a long-term partner, you have to put in a decent amount of effort. 

If you’re in a never-ending back-and-forth, Bobby encourages you to take the reins. 

“Be empowered to initiate,” she says. “And if they are being weird about it you know everything you need to know and that situation can be done.”

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​The dating app experience is often void of one crucial thing: a date.

While 62% of daters are ready to go on a date after three days, according to a recent Hinge survey, only 34% of daters actually plan a date within that period of time.

If you’ve ever used Tinder, Bumble, Grindr or any other dating app, this probably doesn’t surprise you. A common sequence of events is: you match, you message, they message, you message, they message, and on and on until one person just stops. 

For some reason, taking the date offline and in person just doesn’t happen and every message dilutes any initial excitement you had about the match. 

So, why are some people okay with messaging forever?

“Many people are not dating with a lot of thought or intention,” says Lisa Marie Bobby, psychologist and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver.

“They don’t have a strategy. They sign up for an app and their default is to not think about it that much and text people.” 

Keeping things digital is ‘less effort and anxiety’

One reason a match isn’t asking you to meet in person might be anxiety, Bobby says. 

“It’s easier and safer with much less effort and anxiety to mess around with text and tell yourself you’re dating when you’re not really,” she says. 

This way, a person can feel like they are putting themselves out there without taking any of the risks — like being rejected or disappointed — that usually accompany going on dates.

Many people also have unrealistic expectations of how finding a partner is supposed to feel, she says. 

“There is a lot of magical thinking when it comes to dating, in general,” she says. “People have these beliefs that if they were to connect with the right person everything would feel easy and effortless and everything would just happen.”

This is “incongruent,” Bobby says, with how making a new connection of any kind actually works. Whether it’s making a new friend or trying to find a long-term partner, you have to put in a decent amount of effort. 

If you’re in a never-ending back-and-forth, Bobby encourages you to take the reins. 

“Be empowered to initiate,” she says. “And if they are being weird about it you know everything you need to know and that situation can be done.”

DON’T MISS: Want to be smarter and more successful with your money, work & life? Sign up for our new newsletter!

Take this survey and tell us how you want to take your money and career to the next level.